While I was waiting in line outside of the venue a group walked past with brightly colored hair. There was a guy with blue hair and blue sunglasses and a girl wearing black who had green hair. I think there was probably a girl with blonde hair and dark clothing too but there was definitely a girl with red hair. She wore a red shirt with a car logo or something on it and had boots with black denim shorts. She sat on a ledge next to plants across from me and lit a cigarette. She sat away from who she came with, leaning away from them slightly and averting her gaze. She held the cigarette perpendicular between her middle and index fingers and when she went to take a drag her hand covered her mouth while her eyes slunk to the sidewalk and slightly away, like she felt ashamed to be here. It wasn't dread or even contempt. It was a slight sadness and maybe contempt, maybe contempt at the conditions she found her life in. I tried to catch her gaze but she wouldn't look at me, or anyone.
When the show started I got swept up into a whirlwind of movement and excitement. The crush was so bad I clawed further to the edges and back a little bit where I enjoyed myself much more around those jumping around as opposed to suffocating each other. I felt mesmerized by the band in front of me, how important these people were, but the crowd was so novel I couldn't help but direct the majority of my attention to it. At some point I found myself next to the red girl. With the sway and push of the crowd we naturally bumped into each other several times and I couldn't help but feel somehow connected to her. I guess it's just a natural consequence of such deprivation as I have not endured. I didn't and don't really endure romantic deprivation, it is just a circumstance I find myself in. We pushed against each other but she didn't pay any mind and was content by herself. I was just a face in the crowd and another person bumping into hundreds of other people. During a song, she intently walked away back towards the middle of the crowd. She didn't really have any friends so I couldn't help but feel betrayed at her sudden departure, however much I could acknowledge my own ill logic. I was lonely and those emotions are really hard to overcome, although admittedly I haven't exerted my full effort into overcoming them. I felt that maybe if she was a little younger or I was a little older and I were a compelling, interesting, attention-grabbing person then maybe she would have paid me mind. But she was sly and sad and after that night I was too. It was bittersweet.
All that remains of 8 Breznik 4 Pains
I took a vow. Life will be pure. In order for life to be pure, I must endure pain. If I know the worst pain I've ever felt, freedom from construct and society will be easy. If I understand pain, no small harm will afflict me. Then I will be pure. And life will be beautiful. One day I will be free.
This morning was terribly cold. Heat is a wisp or spirit. I will not act like it works against me or plays tricks because it does not. I ritually stray from its clutches. I could stay with it forever because it is so warm and sweet, but I tear myself away, and societal life rears its ugly head. It seems like everything beautiful and sweet in this world is not contained by humanity. I did not eat this morning.